Nicky The Good

Yesterday I had to take care of some business which had me heading towards Long Island from New Jersey on a solo mission. Nobody in the car but me.

If you know anything about New York, you know that every borough or Island has the potential to be a fucking hell hole of traffic. Bump-ah to muthafuckin Bump-ah.

Well yesterday that happened to me. I hit every detour imaginable. My GPS was shook. Rerouting non-stop, could’n’t figure it out, taking me down streets that didn’t exist. Having me try to make U-Turns that were so illegal that you’d be looking at 20 years in the clink for even attempting it. If I were to make a political joke, I’d say that these U Turns were lining up to vote for Sleepy Joe in November. But I don’t do political jokes, they’re too divisive, so I won’t do that.

I’ve been in traffic before. I grew up in Brooklyn, so it is what it is. It sucks, but I’m prepared for it. I’m scarred by it. And in the age of podcasts and every app under the sun it’s not as bad as it used to be in the 90s when you were limited to the radio and a 6 disc CD changer that probably didn’t work properly. And if the radio sucked that day, tough shit.

But what the old days don’t prepare you for is having an old man bladder. You drink a little coffee, you gotta pee. Take a sip from the water fountain, gotta pee. Try to sleep through the night? Good luck, you’re getting up old man.

So I’m sitting there with 90 mins to go on this fucking GPS, looking at red lines up and down that sumbitch and just dying. “My fuckin’ bladdah is killing’ me“. I’m trying to put my mind in another place. Trying to departmentalize my brain anywhere than in my car with a full bladder of piss.

I got a bottle next to me, but for some reason, the thought of pissing in a bottle at almost 39 years of age and risking some ricochet spray on my car seat just didn’t work for me. I’m not pee shy, I’ll fucking go if I gotta, but I dunno man. Peeing in the car? I guess if it’s flawless execution I’m good with it, but that’s an unknown. I just can’t imagine hitting a pothole and having piss on my hands or leg for 90+ minutes. Or what if I get into a fender bender? Now I just got piss everywhere and my insurance is about to go up.

Would I be relieved? Sure. Would I be embarrassed? Probably.

So what do you guys do? You pissing or no?

Lemme know.