Nicky The Good

Editors Note: I went to Hofstra, we constantly get snubbed, so I don’t care about this as much as Barstool Barstool. I’m bitter. So here’s a blog from someone who still really cares

It’s the day before the NCAA tournament. Nerves are high. Time is standing still in your cube and you’re ready for the tip in the first game tomorrow.  Most of you are already probably dealing with the same characters who come around every March. Here is a guide to handling them.  

1. Guy who “watches” every college basketball game 

• This is your buddy who talked about how many units he bet on Iona v. Mt Saint Marys during NFL wild card weekend. We all know him. He tells you he is up 40 units, but hasn’t given you a winner since 2019. He talks like he knows the players and coaches. Probably tweets 5 v 5 sets that he thinks will matter in March. But by now, he’s fully worn you out with KenPom this and Rothstein that. 
• Tip 1. Avoid his picks, but if you are in a pickle and need his advice always ask. Use him for help but DO NOT in any circumstance take his picks if he prefaces it with “offensive efficiency”. Remember back to high school. He failed high school stats and works at his Dad’s construction business. Great guy, but come Thursday, trust your gut and not the guy who refuses to bet online because he doesn’t want to give the government his money. 

2. Guy who only watches the NBA

• We all have that one friend who says College basketball is not for him. Every year in March he says the same thing about how the players cant shoot, the coaches are too hands on, and how there are 10-12 foreign guys who would change the college game but don’t want to hurt their draft stock. 
• Tip 2. Avoid this guy at all times. You are probably already stressed about losing 4 out of the first 5 games and you don’t want this guy telling you whose game will transfer to the “next level”. If hes in a group text you’re in, start a new one without him during March. However don’t piss him off. You’re going to need this guys come NBA playoffs because you haven’t watched more than 10 nba games all year. Your bank account can’t afford blind betting the NBA, especially during summer patio season. So, avoid him, but keep him close. 

3. Girlfriend/wife 

• This is where its gets complicated. These are the top two weekends of the year where all you want to do is sit on your couch and hope she doesnt ask to get dinner or drinks. 
• Tip 3. Set the ground rules. Monday-Wednesday is you and her time. You let her pick the show on Netflix. Order her flowers and tell her she looks beautiful every chance you get. The best thing you can do for the tourny is have her fill out a bracket. Make a bet where the winner gets a fancy dinner even though you have done this 6th straight years and paid every time. It’s the thought the counts, and a happy wife is a happy life. 

4. Mom/Sibling who want to do a family pool

• Always do the family pool, but delegate the duty. My dad was the guy in charge of ours, but since he died my mom has ran it.  I ask her every year if she wants to continue and preface with, “Dad would be really happy you are still doing this”. Works every time. 
• Tip 4. Bet underdogs in this pool. If you win, you seem smart. If you lose, tell them it was your wild card bracket and make excuses. The more the better. However, If your sibling wins, leave the group chat and wait for your mom to add you back around mothers day asking that the plan is. 

5. Co-worker who runs the office pool 

• Everyone has that one co-worker. After college, I worked at the University of Oklahoma library full time (don’t ask) and it was Karen from acquisitions. She lives for the office pool. She doesn’t know ESPN lets you create a bracket online so she prints out 40 brackets from CBS dot com. She still has the trophy from 2006 when UNC beat Illinois and lets you know about it. (Side note, I broke my parents TV that night. Threw the remote straight through the TV. It was one of those heavy ass TVs and I needed like 5 of my buddies to come help me move it and spent my entire summer paying my Dad back.)
• Tip 5. Call in sick or quit the job. No job is worth dealing with Karen from acquisitions. 

5. Guy with the perfect bracket/20 bracket guy 

• They are one in the same. This is most likely a friend of a friend who comes over even though you told your buddy last year to never have this guy over again. He still talks about how he called the 16 over 1. He’s the same game that has 20 paper brackets with him. You ask him about the others and he tells you the perfect one is his “gamer”
• Tip 6. Stock the house with alcohol. Hes a lightweight and you just need him to get a little too buzzed. His wife keeps tabs on him like a hawk so shell be on his ass in no time. Get him an uber and enjoy the day. BUT and a big BUT, do not drink too much with him, it’s a marathon not a sprint. 

6. Guy whose bracket is busted by 5 pm Thursday

• Fast forward. The tourny is three games in and a 13 just beat a 4. This guy only picks chalk. He will dejectedly explain to you about how he had the 4 seed going to the Sweet 16 and how this fucks everything. By Friday there has been 4 more upsets and your buddy is down bad. 
• Tip 7. Never lose this guy. We all need that one guy who grounds us. We are likely down ourselves but need to keep this guy around just to know you’re not alone. However, do not let him find out about sports gambling. We need him to always feel something when he has to use his wife’s venmo to send 10 bucks to your buddy who has ran the pool since middle school. 

7. Your own bracket 

• Its fucked. Every year you go in, thinking this is the year you will win the million dollar challenge on ESPN. Some years you do good, some years you do bad. One thing you should always remember, never be any of the guys above. We are all in this together. 
• Tip 8. Take the opposite ML of the team you have winning in your bracket. It’s a win win. (don’t actually do this)

With that said, Good luck to all. Shop for all the essentials by Wednesday night, and by god pace yourself. Lots of basketball ahead.